I'm putting them on Ebay. Buyer collects and gets a huge reward.

During half term the grandparents had our kids so we could get on with some DIY - of course as below we were both ill so only completed about 75% of what we wanted to do.  And had a huge row, so that was nice.

It turns out that the children were pretty vile towards my parents last week.  OH WELL DONE.  Every time I actually get a compliment about them, my heart skips with joy because I think, oh, I've done alright by them.  Once, my father actually said they were great at saying Please and Thank You.  Imagine! I nearly died of delight.

Mid week I was on the phone to my mother, who had written No 2 off as a "little beast", trying to explain calmly that my daughter was most probably being a cow because the only stability she's had in her life since she was plucked out of her beloved nursery and plonked in The Shire is me, her mother, all day everyday for six weeks (save the odd hour in the creche at the leisure centre) and now even that's gone.  Not an excuse, she should still be doing as she's told (No2, not my mother......) but an explanation.

Anyway, they were mighty pleased to hand them back.  However, the children are still being Little Shits.  I am invisible to them, until I actually act out my threats.  Example: went to local supermarket yesterday, having had a lovely day with No 2.  In the car, I explained that we were going to get THEM some things - for tea, for wearing, for washing with.  I explained that I wanted them to stay with me and so on.   Anyway, the long and the short of it is that No 1 went in to absolute meltdown when I started putting things back on the shelves, having lost No 2, asked him to stand still whilst I found her and then came back to find him dong something I had asked him repeatedly not to do.  Kicking, screaming like a stabbed rat, pulling on my back (neck still a bit sore, thanks mate) and then, whilst I was being calm calm serene goddess, pulled the belt detail on the back of my coat so hard, after repeatedly asking him not to because he would break it, the piece of material came away leaving two gaping holes in my raincoat.

At this point, No 2 was being an angel, having totally forgotten her misdemeanours of running off, picking up things from the shelves (I found her with An Egg?!?!),, so I gladly handed her to a lovely young woman who was offering to help, hauled the Stabbed Rat off the floor and carried him to the car, where upon he proceeded to slam the car door several times before getting in and wailed all the way home.

*sigh*

Oh, and the day before, I'd been out in the garden getting some washing ou before school (because my neighbour had had a bonfire ALL DAY the day before so I thought I'd stake my claim first this time) and horrible No 2 played with the patio doors and locked me and No 1 in the garden.  We had to borrow a ladder off absent next door neighbours, climb on to the flat roof to a spare room window, which I knew wasn't locked shut, then persuade No 2 to come upstairs and open the window, where upon No 1 jumped in and went downstairs, unlocking the doors.  Only 40 minutes late for school.  But again, absolutely no understanding that she might have done something wrong.  In fact the creche ladies at the gym were telling me that she'd been retelling the tale to them - and of course it was hilarious because she was in Angel mode.....

I have told school the truth though. No 1's been late twice, and instead of just writing "late" when I've been signing him in, I've written "scooter-related tantrum" (full on Stabbed Rat when I couldn't open his bent scooter properly so he couldn't ride it to school) and "locked out by 3 year old".  They'll thank me for my honesty.

Oh and re the row - TMM has admitted that perhaps dumping me in an area I don't know at all and telling me to get on with it was rather unfair and indeed, yes, he should have been more supportive.  Well done.  Muppet.

Oh, here I am......

Well.  That worked, huh? This blog thing? 

To be truthful, the whole leaving job, leaving London, becoming a Shire dweller, becoming a full time mother thing has just hit me for six.  I don't seem to have any time.  (And any stuff I've got to say is just moaning because of the the whole leaving job, leaving London, becoming a Shire dweller, becoming a full time mother thing.  The health visitor came round to meet No 2 and let me know help is there if I should need it, though, so I do know where to go to get some real life support, panic not.)

And now we have time - half term, kids with grandparents, TMM has taken some time off.... what happens? Yup - ILL. Head down loo night before last - me, lunchtime yesterday - him, in bed with fever all day - me, from 3pm yesterday - him, tentative wobblyness today - both.  We're supposed to be DIY-ing this place senseless. 

So I have spent the bulk of today wielding a paintbrush, trying to be steady enough to do the tricky bits on the wall painting that TMM has not been able to do through lack of patience, whilst he's been off collecting his classic car from That London.  The paintbrush wielding is fine (and rather satisfying - I have decided that the silly foot long blinds and curtains that cover the silly side window in the extension are coming OFF leaving a nice neutrally painted space for me to put Things), the wobblyness and aloneness-whilst-feeling rubbish - not so much.

ANYWAY..... things for Child No 1 are looking up in that he managed to remember to ask his Best Friend if he would like to come to tea, then managed to listen to me long enough in the playground that he understood I needed to know a) who the Best Friend was and b) who his mother/father/carer was.  So we duly approached the relevant persons and although his mother looked at me like I was an ogre when I first spoke, we actually managed to arrange a tea date!

That was last Friday and the boys were brilliant - mainly because they kept out of my way - and I am very happy to see that my son's choice in friends is rather fabulous - very polite but friendly child.  Could teach No 1 a thing or two..... AND Best Friend's brother is the same age as my No 2 so BF's mother has suggested that I could drop No 2 off for the hour of my Pilates beginner course (that takes place just as the creche at the leisure centre closes) on Monday.  Well if that isn't nice.  She works at the leisure centre (evenings), actually, so she said if No 2 got upset she'd just drop her off so she (No 2) could find me herself.  Yes!!! A JOKE!!!! Exactly the sort of thing I'd say too!!!

She wouldn't have a cuppa, though.  So, being something of a tea fiend myself, I'm not sure we will be best friends........


I have also found the local amdram society and they are auditioning a week on Monday for their next show, which will be in November - they rehearse once a week so I would be able to manage that methinks (such a longer timescale than my last collective, but this is The Shire).  Unfortunately I have no way of knowing if they are shit or not.  I recently went back to That London and saw two amdram shows, both good standards, one (my previous group) STUNNING and it's made me realise that until the kids are old enough to microwave their own turkey drummers and I can get back out there and do some proper acting again I need to keep the dramatic cravings fed.  We'll see. 

However, I've managed to do precisely no studying.  But I have at least founded my desk space and got everything in a nice order on top of it.  And if I do my bit with the DIY I will actually be able to find my books and a space in which to work and will be able to demand more me time.

So back to the painting.  I'm going to stop in time for The Apprentice.  Hmmmm..........

Thanks for your comments, by the way.  I'm still in Dongle land unfortunately, so no replies from me for a while.  Sorry.

Dear Fancy

I can't seem to comment on anyone's posts tonight, so here's what I've been trying to tell you and your gang.

Well Lordy.... I'm not quite sure what to say... Thank you! What a welcome.  I'll get into this blogging thing once I've remembered which way is up, in the meantime I do believe this techno-novice has some following to do.

Oh and Fancy, I'm not sure quite how much you've stalked, but I was in a horror movie about a honeymoon gone wrong.... quite popular in parts of Salford I'm told....

School playground

Today has been a bit rubbish in terms of moving-to-the-countryside-will-be-fabulous-ness.

I am well aware that I come across a bit - well- frosty, perhaps.  There are two main reasons for this 1) I look moody when I don't smile and 2) I am usually incredibly nervous about meeting new people and sometimes this comes over as incredibly-laid-backness.

So when I took No 1 to school today, first time through the right doors with all the other parents (we were let in through the school office yesterday, being his first day), I made a point of being smiley and saying hello to people, saing "gosh, that's lovely" at the union flag outfits and princess crowns and so on that the kids were allowed to bring to school.

But nothing.  Not a smile back from a single parental-type.  No 1 was off running round playing tag with his new friends and I was the one in the corner, gripping on to No 2 for some sort of comfort.

Anyway, at home time No 1's teacher asked if she could have a word.  Turns out No 1 had a "rather sad lunchtime".  He's been "hurting" people - playfighting but not stopping when they asked him to - so could I please have a word about "being kind"?

I am really really hoping this exuberance gets channelled effectively.  I know the kids have been under house arrest whilst we attempt to get the house liveable-inable and I can understand that therefore they want to go a bit mental when they get released into the wild, but I really could do with them (No 1 especially) calming down soon, thankyouplis. 

I don't want to be "that boy's mother".

After all, I even wore my Barbour to prove that although I am From London, I am adaptable......

This post has reminded me of my last spa time, taken just as I was winding down from work in an effort to combat my stress levels.  Waste of time, more like.......

I paid for 75 minutes of pampering (admittedly only £25, but still, new company (I think), lastminute.com deal).

I turned up at 12 noon.  I filled in a form.  I was escorted by a 12 year old to the room.  She ran down the list of things I was having done (mini hand and wrist treatments, mini facial etc) but also said "eyebrow wax - oh no...." - I was desperately in need of one and clearly she was too young to have her rudeness filter on, so I said "I know, they are a state, if there's a chance of getting an eyebrow wax done as well that would be great".  She went off to check, emphasised I'd have to pay extra for it - (yes, yes, I gathered as much, that will be fine, just get on with it!!!!) and then asked me to get undressed and under the towels and we'd get started.

The room wouldn't fit the waxing cart into it properly, but she didn't realise until she'd attempted to ram it against the bed that I was on several times - she then tried to move the bed about (again, with me still on it), then finally manoeuvred her equipment sufficiently and did what felt like the most laboured wax in the world.  Fine, whatever, it was at least being done. 

Then she started on the treatments, and to be frank, until she got to the back neck and shoulder massage it was like she was trying to beat the clock.  She kept asking me really stupid questions too, whereas I was looking forward to the chance for some silence and being able to unwind - that is the idea, no?!  Next door some woman was speaking loudly to her client about her eating and nutrition plan, highly irritating.  No plinky plonky whale music here, clearly. 

Anyway, the final massage bit was really good apart from the vocal accompaniments, and when it finished, I got dressed and headed out to pay for my eyebrow wax and so on, hoping I wasn't going to be back too late to work, bit cheeky, wasn't it.... to my immense surprise.... it was 1.10pm.

So yes, I'd actually had 75 minutes worth of treatment plus a very laboured eyebrow wax, plus ALL THAT FAFFING AROUND in just 70 minutes. 

When I mentioned this, I was just told that I hadn't booked the eyebrow wax so they had to fit it in because they had another client at 1.15pm.  I said perhaps I should have been told about this at the time and would the manager like to phone me? 

That was 4 weeks ago.  No word from the manager, and they have not charged me for the eyebrow wax.  And I'll never use them again, and will tell anyone who asks where they should not go so all's fair I reckon.

Ooops

Well, I think we can safely say that my mind has been elsewhere since we moved on 11th April.  I will get in to the habit of blogging, honest.  Just let me find my desk under the boxes and work out how I'm going to survive doing all the housekeeping and housework with a nearly 3 year old in tow......

Clue - I'm not......

House business

Well, we completed on 11th and it was all rather dull, actually.  I suppose the wind was taken out of my sales because the first phone call I got was from Phil at the estate agents telling me he'd got "key release". Hmmm.  I realised this is not an affliction he was owning up to, but rather that we'd completed.  Oh good.  No champagne as we're both too tired/off alcohol for Lent, but I think we had a kebab by way of celebration that evening.

Went up there on Saturday - met both neighbours, all seems lovely.  House is, predictably, in need of some TLC - spent £300 in the valhalla of B&Q.

Not overly excited, especially seeing the amount of work we have to do.  TMM reckons he is going to spend every weekend between now and then up at the house painting and decorating.  Ummm... no we're not. Negotiations have been had.  I've got 2 essays to hand in by 6th April and funnily enough I can't work so well with children in the way.....

Anyway, our current task is to attempt to keep the flat tidy for viewings.  Wish us luck.....

More chums doing well...... (but really this time)

Posh lady talks about film

The heiress in question is not my chum.  The (admittedly also posh) girl in her undies running away from the man with the gun, however, is my lovely friend and fellow drama school survivor Cicely Tennant.

I hope she gets the recognition she deserves for this.  She's worked bloody hard.  Unlike me. I'd like to blame being too fat to be an actress for my lack of success, but I think it's a lack of faith in myself, lack of money, being too scared and marriage and babies.  And now, being dispatched to the Countryside.   However, once the kids are old enough to cook their own turkey drummers, I'll be back....

And besides, turns out there's amdram just round the corner in my new town.... Eeek/hurrah etc......

In the meantime, back to writing my breakthrough one-woman-show....

The giddy heights my school chums have reached.....

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23928020-boozy-city-businessmen-doze-off-after-getting-stuck-in-a-lift.do

So proud.

Here's what I'm going to do.....

My list of Things To Do once we've moved.

1. Unpack (well, like, duh).
2. Finish ILM (Institute of Leadership and Management) Certificate.  I have two assessments to hand in on 6th April.  I have new confidence about this as I got ALL THE MARKS, that's it, 100% for my last assignment, which I cried over because it was so hard (I thought).  Then I have two work based assignments to complete, officially given to us in April and usually taking 3 months to complete (Allegedly).  No, I won't be "at work".  But I will be making sure that I keep in touch with the team member who's agreed to be my mentor.  ETD: July 2011
3. Continue with and complete my NCT HE Diploma in Breastfeeding Counselling with Licence to Practice.  This is brilliant because a) I am in awe of breastfeeding and therefore positively devour any information I can get on it, so it's not really studying, it's intrigue and interest and oh! just lovely b) I had two such different BF experiences (6 weeks of agony with No1, 11 months of, overall, loveliness with No 2) that I really want to try and help mothers achieve what they want to when they feed their babies without all the heartache and pain I went through, c) if I can earn some money for my family by doing this I will be so so happy (hmmm.... I remember saying the same thing about acting...)  and d) I get to play with babies and boobs so what's not to like?!  (I do know that's not actually what a BFC does.  Certainly not an NCT one. Honest.)  Also, will be able to get more involved with NCT in the countryside than have been in South London due to oodles of non-working time.  ETD: January 2013 (Diploma)
4. Help my friend The God Mother write her sitcom. ETD: Whenever we run out of biscuits.
5. Get together with Debs and really set up a children's murder mystery party company and bring it to the not-quite-Home-Counties with a vengeance (haha  - murder -vengeance......) ETD: Well, why  not start asap, frankly....
6. Be a mother to my two lovely kids by spending quality time with them, encouraging No 1 with his reading, being able to collect him from school and have his friends round for tea, getting out and about with No 2 and making some friends with her. ETD: ASAP
7. Be a wife to the wonderful Man Mountain, keep the house clean and a lovely place to come home to and not be so stressed that I'm so happy to see him back from his work jaunts that I have a go about him deserting me. ETD: Once we've unpacked.
8. Write a bonkbuster.... who knows..... ETD: Well, I'll need to do some research first, clearly ;)
9. Just find me again.  I used to be happy and funny, imaginative, popular and thin.  ETD: Whenever.  NOT going to pressurise myself especially re getting thin.
10. And...... stuff.......  ETD:  Oh, you know.  About *Then*.

So, here we go then

Time left until The Man Mountain and I are house owners again...... 9 days.

Time I have spent being a resident of Greater London......... 36 years, 8 months 1 day -ish (I'm confused, there's no 29th of February this year).

Time left until I am no longer a resident of Greater London....... 41 days.


Scary biscuits.